I grew up with sports. my brother was named sports and i also enjoyed games. competition was always valuable to me, more valuable than the prizes you get from them. sometimes i wish the trophies instead of saying our team name said - 'i really liked your passion when you played. it reminded me of myself when i was your age.' instead of being inscribed on trophies, we only get those words from parents, educators and of course peers, minus the bit about 'when i was your age'.
sports was always a little better than me but that's cause he's older. he's still older but i'm wider. wisdom comes with age and goes with age. how can that be? babies go from nursing from breasts to a nursing home to rest.
i have plans before i rest. i never understood why motivational speakers connect the word 'dreams' the way they do. i imagine it originally meant the thing you do while sleeping and somehow it got pressured into being a thing you're supposed to do when you are most awake and alive. what are your dreams and goals? well my goals are to pay my bills on time and treat people equally. my dreams are filled with dinosaurs and racecars, usually in the same sequence. do all you can to acheive your dreams! no thanks. i don't need dinosaurs in my life. although racecars might be nice. if dreams was actually a person, he would have an identity crisis.
dear mr. dream,
i feel bad for you. be who you are. don't change for anyone.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The White Van
I think it's pretty neat that God gave animals shape and character, even the ones we eat, like fish. He could have made them look like tofu. I know, you're thinking that tofu can't swim. Not now but it could have. The left side of our faces touched when we hugged. Did she notice that as well? She had to if I did since my face is rougher than hers.
My Dad died today. It was almost 3 years ago but I just thought of it again. I wonder what he would think of her. No I don't. He would laugh. He was such an easy laugher around new people, especially if they were friends of mine who were pretty. She would have like him. I'm still trying to figure her out. How does she feel when she is around me? What is she like after seeing fireworks? Am I good enough for her? What is she thinking when she walks by mirrors? Why am I so insecure?
We have to show ID when we enter a building on campus. I guess it's a safety precaution but I'm not sure how. It's as if we are saying, "I am harmless. See? I have a picture of myself." I think a better test would be to notice if I hold the door open for someone else. Yeah you could fake it but not as easily as an ID.
I have two friends who are watching movies. Sometimes it is easier to think about your own story in the context of others. I would always get excited about show and tell. Maybe not always. Maybe just the fourth grade. Back then, we as a society had the ability to pump air into cars. Now we just do that to the tire part of them but this air targeted the part of the car that gave it energy. Miss McAndrews was impressed. The car was about the same size as the space between the shoulders of a 1st grader. Or the same as the space between two people who have a firm grip on the space required when talking. Too far apart would have the feeling that your words would hit the floor before they were able to reach the other person. When words are spoken, they move on a trajectory similar to a proper basketball shot. if you're tall, you have a better chance at succeeding. If you're a professional, you can risk standing a couple steps further away than someone who is clumsy. But even professional tall people achieve success less than half the time. Come to think of it, the proper talking space is bigger than this car. That was a bad example.
If there was a mug that said you are so special that I bet you watch butterflies just to make sure their one wing is the same size and shape of the other and if they weren't you would get sad. If it said all that, I would buy it for her.
I have a friend who is a close talker. What happens when that happens is that the close talker appears to be taller than he really is. Or maybe my close talker was also someone who was a tippy toer. If he was, there was no way I could have known and still be able to use my listening skills. He also appeared t be talking loud but that might just be an illusion. No one can simultaneously be a close AND loud talker. No way. The space between us was actually less than the length of that car but probably equivalent to the rubber thing that is attached to the pump and gets inserted into the place on the car that can take air in and let air out. That's all you need to know about the car. And that it was red. And the back was higher than the front. And Miss McAndrews was impressed.
She doesn't know any of this about my past. I bet she's never even heard of Miss McAndrews.
Do you know those bingo ball cages? I have a feeling those bingo balls are actually stolen ping pong balls. This really says something about our values. Maybe Miss M. can be one of those ping pong balls. Miss Clark could be another. She can have two because she was my 1st and 3rd grade teacher. She probably liked me better in 1st grade because in 3rd I threw up on her shoes. Other balls with other things exist. I would have someone turn the handle of the cage, probably my Mom, and my new pretty friend can pick a ball out. "Riding in the back of a van", it might say. That would confuse me though cause there are two stories about that I could tell. It's not even the same van. One was blue and one you entered through the back.
I really like the ping pong ball method, as long as she can get past the contrivance of it all. It can really help us get to know each other. Well, it actually only helps her get to know me. I already love her as she is and I don't know much about her, not much more than when I'm with her, it makes me stand relaxed, or sit relaxed, as if my bones are not restricting my movements and I could do or turn into anything at any moment. Me wanting to give her ping pong balls about me is me trying to make her love me. Forget the balls. I can see now that this isn't the way to go. But I still want the bingo cage.
Maybe I'll make her a lite bright. I will buy it for myself and the pictures will be for her. Maybe that could be how we get to know each other. It could be like a bridge that links us. It would have to be a flat bridge though so we could see each other. Or at least so I can see her. The body of water underneath would be scary though cause I can't swim. Maybe it should be a puddle. Our relationship is held together by a bridge over a puddle. Even if the bridge collapses, it's still just a puddle and puddles are good for jumping in.
She had to notice our faces touching. If she didn't, it could only be because she's already had so many experiences that surpass this one in length and quality. Maybe she's lived among parrots or has spent a considerable amount of time around volcanoes. This might be true but i need to rest in unlikely by assuring myself that she's only been alive some number between 1/3 and 1/4 of her life. Even if she does have volcano experience, she had to notice when she put the bottom of her hand on the top of mine, even if it was just a second. So I remind myself. I tell myself: Hand, face-touching hug, no volcano. Hand, face-touching hug, no volcano. Hand, face-touching hug, even if volcano, hand.
Do you wanna hear about the van. Yes. What van? When I was under 10, my dad would let us ride in the back of his work truck while he drove down and around the back lot.
My Dad died today. It was almost 3 years ago but I just thought of it again. I wonder what he would think of her. No I don't. He would laugh. He was such an easy laugher around new people, especially if they were friends of mine who were pretty. She would have like him. I'm still trying to figure her out. How does she feel when she is around me? What is she like after seeing fireworks? Am I good enough for her? What is she thinking when she walks by mirrors? Why am I so insecure?
We have to show ID when we enter a building on campus. I guess it's a safety precaution but I'm not sure how. It's as if we are saying, "I am harmless. See? I have a picture of myself." I think a better test would be to notice if I hold the door open for someone else. Yeah you could fake it but not as easily as an ID.
I have two friends who are watching movies. Sometimes it is easier to think about your own story in the context of others. I would always get excited about show and tell. Maybe not always. Maybe just the fourth grade. Back then, we as a society had the ability to pump air into cars. Now we just do that to the tire part of them but this air targeted the part of the car that gave it energy. Miss McAndrews was impressed. The car was about the same size as the space between the shoulders of a 1st grader. Or the same as the space between two people who have a firm grip on the space required when talking. Too far apart would have the feeling that your words would hit the floor before they were able to reach the other person. When words are spoken, they move on a trajectory similar to a proper basketball shot. if you're tall, you have a better chance at succeeding. If you're a professional, you can risk standing a couple steps further away than someone who is clumsy. But even professional tall people achieve success less than half the time. Come to think of it, the proper talking space is bigger than this car. That was a bad example.
If there was a mug that said you are so special that I bet you watch butterflies just to make sure their one wing is the same size and shape of the other and if they weren't you would get sad. If it said all that, I would buy it for her.
I have a friend who is a close talker. What happens when that happens is that the close talker appears to be taller than he really is. Or maybe my close talker was also someone who was a tippy toer. If he was, there was no way I could have known and still be able to use my listening skills. He also appeared t be talking loud but that might just be an illusion. No one can simultaneously be a close AND loud talker. No way. The space between us was actually less than the length of that car but probably equivalent to the rubber thing that is attached to the pump and gets inserted into the place on the car that can take air in and let air out. That's all you need to know about the car. And that it was red. And the back was higher than the front. And Miss McAndrews was impressed.
She doesn't know any of this about my past. I bet she's never even heard of Miss McAndrews.
Do you know those bingo ball cages? I have a feeling those bingo balls are actually stolen ping pong balls. This really says something about our values. Maybe Miss M. can be one of those ping pong balls. Miss Clark could be another. She can have two because she was my 1st and 3rd grade teacher. She probably liked me better in 1st grade because in 3rd I threw up on her shoes. Other balls with other things exist. I would have someone turn the handle of the cage, probably my Mom, and my new pretty friend can pick a ball out. "Riding in the back of a van", it might say. That would confuse me though cause there are two stories about that I could tell. It's not even the same van. One was blue and one you entered through the back.
I really like the ping pong ball method, as long as she can get past the contrivance of it all. It can really help us get to know each other. Well, it actually only helps her get to know me. I already love her as she is and I don't know much about her, not much more than when I'm with her, it makes me stand relaxed, or sit relaxed, as if my bones are not restricting my movements and I could do or turn into anything at any moment. Me wanting to give her ping pong balls about me is me trying to make her love me. Forget the balls. I can see now that this isn't the way to go. But I still want the bingo cage.
Maybe I'll make her a lite bright. I will buy it for myself and the pictures will be for her. Maybe that could be how we get to know each other. It could be like a bridge that links us. It would have to be a flat bridge though so we could see each other. Or at least so I can see her. The body of water underneath would be scary though cause I can't swim. Maybe it should be a puddle. Our relationship is held together by a bridge over a puddle. Even if the bridge collapses, it's still just a puddle and puddles are good for jumping in.
She had to notice our faces touching. If she didn't, it could only be because she's already had so many experiences that surpass this one in length and quality. Maybe she's lived among parrots or has spent a considerable amount of time around volcanoes. This might be true but i need to rest in unlikely by assuring myself that she's only been alive some number between 1/3 and 1/4 of her life. Even if she does have volcano experience, she had to notice when she put the bottom of her hand on the top of mine, even if it was just a second. So I remind myself. I tell myself: Hand, face-touching hug, no volcano. Hand, face-touching hug, no volcano. Hand, face-touching hug, even if volcano, hand.
Do you wanna hear about the van. Yes. What van? When I was under 10, my dad would let us ride in the back of his work truck while he drove down and around the back lot.
Winter
Sometimes I wonder what sustains us? What brings us back to getting out of bed again? And what are the forces at work that are against us? That want us to give up? I imagine the thing that would want to destroy our boat has scales all over its body and hair in wrong places. The thing that would bring us stars is fluffy and warming, like a heated pillow.
We need to find ways to give life to the good things and death to the bad things. What gives life? I think we would need sunlight, some rain, and good soil. For death, I think we need cold. Maybe we could put death in the freezer and turn that lever thing in the back to coldest. Number 5. It is certainly strong enough to kill ice cream. At the very least, it would take a long time to thaw out. And even then it is never as good as it once was.
Life seems to need more than one element to survive. Oxygen. Water. Water has more than one element. I think it has two. Even for this planet to work all sorts of things need to work together. I am afraid for the bees. I used to be afraid of bees. Scientists tell us that bees are dying at rapid rates and we need them for pollination purposes.
So things have to work together for life to be sustained. And other elements like winter come in and try to destroy what life is doing. When winter comes, we have to dress for it. We have to change the order of things we do. Trick winter. We get heated blankets and big jackets and then it starts to feel warm like summer.
When difficult death bringing circumstances come, we have to make them look like summer. We have to clothe ourselves with the things that are life-giving, in the midst of our winter. The winter might still be there, but it wont matter. We will be armed and ready.
We need to find ways to give life to the good things and death to the bad things. What gives life? I think we would need sunlight, some rain, and good soil. For death, I think we need cold. Maybe we could put death in the freezer and turn that lever thing in the back to coldest. Number 5. It is certainly strong enough to kill ice cream. At the very least, it would take a long time to thaw out. And even then it is never as good as it once was.
Life seems to need more than one element to survive. Oxygen. Water. Water has more than one element. I think it has two. Even for this planet to work all sorts of things need to work together. I am afraid for the bees. I used to be afraid of bees. Scientists tell us that bees are dying at rapid rates and we need them for pollination purposes.
So things have to work together for life to be sustained. And other elements like winter come in and try to destroy what life is doing. When winter comes, we have to dress for it. We have to change the order of things we do. Trick winter. We get heated blankets and big jackets and then it starts to feel warm like summer.
When difficult death bringing circumstances come, we have to make them look like summer. We have to clothe ourselves with the things that are life-giving, in the midst of our winter. The winter might still be there, but it wont matter. We will be armed and ready.
Bright Lites
I am imagine a journey, across ice that is sitting on the warm places. As it melts it brings wet dust that I can glide through.
There is no room here for two of us. The only amount that can fit is one billion. As I look to the left and the right, I wonder if that is the north and the south. I climb up stairs that do not exist to a mountain top where I can only look up. My eyes feel restricted by the shape of my face. If they were on the outside of my skull as opposed to in the holes of it, I might get some things done around here, starting with the carpet.
If carpet grew like grass, we would never had to clean it, only cut. you can save some money by washing your hair before you go to the cuttery. Nobody washes their grass anymore. its so dirty that it grows in dirt. I don't understand why lite bright is only for kids. Thats so stupid. It should be for everyone. I think my dog would have a fantastic time with it, although I think he would end up using it as a nite lite.
This week i've dreamt of roaches and rats and they were both on our side.
There is no room here for two of us. The only amount that can fit is one billion. As I look to the left and the right, I wonder if that is the north and the south. I climb up stairs that do not exist to a mountain top where I can only look up. My eyes feel restricted by the shape of my face. If they were on the outside of my skull as opposed to in the holes of it, I might get some things done around here, starting with the carpet.
If carpet grew like grass, we would never had to clean it, only cut. you can save some money by washing your hair before you go to the cuttery. Nobody washes their grass anymore. its so dirty that it grows in dirt. I don't understand why lite bright is only for kids. Thats so stupid. It should be for everyone. I think my dog would have a fantastic time with it, although I think he would end up using it as a nite lite.
This week i've dreamt of roaches and rats and they were both on our side.
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