The White Van

I think it's pretty neat that God gave animals shape and character, even the ones we eat, like fish. He could have made them look like tofu. I know, you're thinking that tofu can't swim. Not now but it could have. The left side of our faces touched when we hugged. Did she notice that as well? She had to if I did since my face is rougher than hers.

My Dad died today. It was almost 3 years ago but I just thought of it again. I wonder what he would think of her. No I don't. He would laugh. He was such an easy laugher around new people, especially if they were friends of mine who were pretty. She would have like him. I'm still trying to figure her out. How does she feel when she is around me? What is she like after seeing fireworks? Am I good enough for her? What is she thinking when she walks by mirrors? Why am I so insecure?

We have to show ID when we enter a building on campus. I guess it's a safety precaution but I'm not sure how. It's as if we are saying, "I am harmless. See? I have a picture of myself." I think a better test would be to notice if I hold the door open for someone else. Yeah you could fake it but not as easily as an ID.

I have two friends who are watching movies. Sometimes it is easier to think about your own story in the context of others. I would always get excited about show and tell. Maybe not always. Maybe just the fourth grade. Back then, we as a society had the ability to pump air into cars. Now we just do that to the tire part of them but this air targeted the part of the car that gave it energy. Miss McAndrews was impressed. The car was about the same size as the space between the shoulders of a 1st grader. Or the same as the space between two people who have a firm grip on the space required when talking. Too far apart would have the feeling that your words would hit the floor before they were able to reach the other person. When words are spoken, they move on a trajectory similar to a proper basketball shot. if you're tall, you have a better chance at succeeding. If you're a professional, you can risk standing a couple steps further away than someone who is clumsy. But even professional tall people achieve success less than half the time. Come to think of it, the proper talking space is bigger than this car. That was a bad example.

If there was a mug that said you are so special that I bet you watch butterflies just to make sure their one wing is the same size and shape of the other and if they weren't you would get sad. If it said all that, I would buy it for her.

I have a friend who is a close talker. What happens when that happens is that the close talker appears to be taller than he really is. Or maybe my close talker was also someone who was a tippy toer. If he was, there was no way I could have known and still be able to use my listening skills. He also appeared t be talking loud but that might just be an illusion. No one can simultaneously be a close AND loud talker. No way. The space between us was actually less than the length of that car but probably equivalent to the rubber thing that is attached to the pump and gets inserted into the place on the car that can take air in and let air out. That's all you need to know about the car. And that it was red. And the back was higher than the front. And Miss McAndrews was impressed.

She doesn't know any of this about my past. I bet she's never even heard of Miss McAndrews.

Do you know those bingo ball cages? I have a feeling those bingo balls are actually stolen ping pong balls. This really says something about our values. Maybe Miss M. can be one of those ping pong balls. Miss Clark could be another. She can have two because she was my 1st and 3rd grade teacher. She probably liked me better in 1st grade because in 3rd I threw up on her shoes. Other balls with other things exist. I would have someone turn the handle of the cage, probably my Mom, and my new pretty friend can pick a ball out. "Riding in the back of a van", it might say. That would confuse me though cause there are two stories about that I could tell. It's not even the same van. One was blue and one you entered through the back.

I really like the ping pong ball method, as long as she can get past the contrivance of it all. It can really help us get to know each other. Well, it actually only helps her get to know me. I already love her as she is and I don't know much about her, not much more than when I'm with her, it makes me stand relaxed, or sit relaxed, as if my bones are not restricting my movements and I could do or turn into anything at any moment. Me wanting to give her ping pong balls about me is me trying to make her love me. Forget the balls. I can see now that this isn't the way to go. But I still want the bingo cage.

Maybe I'll make her a lite bright. I will buy it for myself and the pictures will be for her. Maybe that could be how we get to know each other. It could be like a bridge that links us. It would have to be a flat bridge though so we could see each other. Or at least so I can see her. The body of water underneath would be scary though cause I can't swim. Maybe it should be a puddle. Our relationship is held together by a bridge over a puddle. Even if the bridge collapses, it's still just a puddle and puddles are good for jumping in.

She had to notice our faces touching. If she didn't, it could only be because she's already had so many experiences that surpass this one in length and quality. Maybe she's lived among parrots or has spent a considerable amount of time around volcanoes. This might be true but i need to rest in unlikely by assuring myself that she's only been alive some number between 1/3 and 1/4 of her life. Even if she does have volcano experience, she had to notice when she put the bottom of her hand on the top of mine, even if it was just a second. So I remind myself. I tell myself: Hand, face-touching hug, no volcano. Hand, face-touching hug, no volcano. Hand, face-touching hug, even if volcano, hand.

Do you wanna hear about the van. Yes. What van? When I was under 10, my dad would let us ride in the back of his work truck while he drove down and around the back lot.